America is trouble. I read it in the New York Times, so it has to be true. And after minutes of careless deliberation while inebriated, I think I know the reason.
We are let down by those who establish our defense policy. These policies just don't reflect the realities of a modern world, reflecting a kind of Neanderthal, pre-2009 reality that many people would like to forget, and others never knew a damned thing about.
Therefore I've come up with some really good ideas for reforming American defense and bringing it more in line with what Katie Couric tells me is reality. So read my ideas, and learn something.
The first thing we should do is eliminate all the service academies. These places are terrible, and terrible wastes of money. Instead, that money should be reallocated to a variety of social programs, especially for the truly undeserving, and a new academy that teaches real service.
I want to start the Peace Academy. Instead of turning out classes of men and women who know useless stuff like war and engineering, we should be turning out classes of community organizers and diversity facilitators. Moreover, there would be no sports, especially football. Students though would be required to spend a year in mandatory volunteerism.
Furthermore, I want to change the oath that service members take upon enlistment. Instead of pledging their loyalty to the United States of America, they would pledge allegiance to all mankind. I feel better already just talking about it.
Nor would American medals and awards be awarded only to those who distinguish themselves. Under my plan, everyone would get a medal, just for showing up. Self-esteem is too precious to disregard by awarding medals only to the brave and the skilled. Everyone would be made to feel good inside.
Connected to this, American military decorations would be given to non-Americans more frequently. And I'm not just talking about our allies; I want to give decorations to our enemies as well. After all, who are we to say that we're so special? And our side doesn't have a monopoly on bravery, but then again, bravery, like all other signs of accomplishment, would no longer be a prerequisite for anything. Besides, I'm sure that our enemies would appreciate the sign of consideration, and be inspired to love us just as we embrace them.
Wars are politics by other means, and so I would not neglect the political side of my bold plan. Therefore the State Department would have an Undersecretary for Apologies. The United States of America would become a lot more practiced and skilled at apologizing for everything. Likewise, my America would eschew preemptive wars in favor of preemptive apologies. People would like us more I'm sure of that.
Image is everything, and substance has to take a back seat, where it belongs. The navy is going to uphold America's image through better names for warships... I mean Ships of Peace. Therefore naval vessels will be renamed to demonstrate our values in a more visible manner. Imagine the hope in the eyes of the little foreign children when they see an aircraft carrier named USS Gender Equity, or an amphibious diversity facilitation ship called Forgiveness?
I am so glad to share this outstanding program. I'm even happier to live in a time and place where somebody just might take it seriously.